


I’m here but I’m in pieces

by triedtobepolite



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M, They need to COMMUNICATE, a little angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 05:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20109646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triedtobepolite/pseuds/triedtobepolite
Summary: Michael is having trouble coping with Max's death, Alex not talking to him and everything else. An unexpected event may be the solution to all his problems...





	I’m here but I’m in pieces

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes. Betaed by my Partner In Crime @ridethatdemon !
> 
> Title and lyrics from P!nk & Wrabel's amazing song "90 days" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-lkv7YakGQ)

_ I’m here but I’m in pieces _ _  
_ _ And I don’t know how to fix this_

Michael stared at the fire, a half-drunk beer in his hand. It was getting cold but he didn’t care. These past three months had been rough and had left him hollow. It all went to shit with Caulfield. Losing his mom had crushed his heart and turned his insides to jelly. And don’t get him started on the Alex situation. Thinking about him hurt like a motherfucker.  
He sighed, put down the beer at his feet and grabbed the guitar. That was the only bright light into his dark world right now. He still had mixed feelings about Max healing his hand but it brought music back to him. And he had trouble being angry with his brother, knowing that said brother had been dead in his pod since that night. He started to play the first chords for “90 days”. He had heard the song on the radio and it stuck with him.

A lot had happened during his past 90 days. He hooked up with Maria and hurt Alex in the process more than he ever hurt him. He worked his ass off with Liz to find a way to bring Max back and took care as best as he could of Isobel. His sister and him were working together to strengthen their powers, they were pretty sure it was the only way to help their brother. But it took time, and they weren’t really getting anywhere.  
Michael huffed and dropped the guitar, frustrated. Playing music always brought his thoughts back to Alex and he didn’t want to get there. His relationship with Maria hadn’t lasted very long. She was more into it than he was and it wasn’t fair to her. He couldn’t love her like she deserved to be loved, not when his heart had always belonged to another. He hadn’t talked or seen Alex much since the night in his Airstream. The night he ran to help and left him there, promising to come back to talk the next day. Promise he didn’t keep. From what he understood, Alex had been working on Project Shepherd, trying to find out if there were more secret prisons and trying to uncover the ramifications of several decades of secrets. Valenti was still keeping Alex’s father sedated in their bunker until they decide what to do with him and Alex had forged Master Sergeant Manes’ file to say that he was still in Niger. 

Alex hadn’t reached out to him. Not that Michael really expected him to. The few times they crossed path with each other, Alex nodded at him but didn’t engage in conversation and always hightailed quickly out of wherever they were. It stung, but Michael understood. He also knew that, at the time, he couldn’t give Alex what he wanted. But months had passed and he missed him. He finished his beer and decided to try to get some sleep. He was running on fumes. Too many things going on, too many heartaches, kept him from getting rest. He wasn’t the only one, Liz and Isobel were exhausted too, but nothing would keep them from doing their hardest to get Max back.

_ I hide my face so you don’t see it _ _  
_ _ I think out loud, hope you don’t hear it _

A few days later, Michael was waiting for his takeaway at the Crashdown when Alex entered. He watched as the soldier slowed down nearly to a stop before he seemed to shake himself off and resume getting to the counter. Michael gave him a small smile and a nod, as it seemed to be their way of communicating lately. Alex returned his smile and said:

\- Eh Guerin… You look like shit.

Michael barked a laugh, regretted it immediately when Alex flinched and he wanted to bitchslap himself.

\- Sorry… I haven’t been sleeping much.

Alex nodded and gave his order to the girl behind the counter. Michael wasn’t really thinking clearly right now, he had been working the past fourteen hours with Liz and they had just called it a night. She had gone straight upstairs and he had decided that quality junk food was a must. They were still stuck and it was beginning to get really really boring. So let’s put what was probably a suicidal mission on the lack of sleep and the frustration of getting nowhere. Alex lifted an eyebrow as Michael sat on the stool next to him. The alien steeled himself before saying:

\- Can we talk?

He held his breath, remembering the first time he had asked that particular question to Alex, and what followed, hoping it would go as it did 10 years ago. Alex wasn’t on the same page though and frowned.

\- Vocal cords, so yeah… With each other? Depends… What do you want, Guerin?

Michael sighed. He didn’t expect Alex to be so cold even if he knew he had some graveling to do before going back to a functioning relationship with the airman, if they ever could. But exhaustion took over, Michael slumped on the stool and whispered:

\- I miss you.

Alex snorted.

\- You’ve been doing perfectly fine without me for the past three months…

Michael looked up to Alex, surprised. He opened his mouth but the answer got stuck in his throat. What could he say that would make Alex understand how much he missed him? He felt tears prickling behind his eyes. No way was he going to cry in the Crashdown. He got down the seat and was saved from saying anything when the waitress gave him his order. He couldn’t look Alex in the eyes, he felt like a coward and he had just enough strength to say:

\- I’m sorry Alex.

Michael grabbed the bag of food and turned to leave. Alex reached for his arm.

\- Guerin, wait…

But Michael had to get out of there, he was seconds away from breaking into ugly sobs. He was relieved when he got to his truck but he was also stupidly bumped that Alex hadn’t followed him. He started to drive back to his Airstream but quickly changed his mind and went to his favorite spot in the desert, the place where he always took Alex. He sat in the back of his truck and ate the now cold burger. The stars didn’t bring the same comfort they used to, he knew now that nobody was waiting for him there. The exhaustion finally won and he cried himself to sleep, dreaming of being held by a pair of strong arms.

_ 'Cause you made this shit so easy _ _  
_ _ And I told you my secrets _

Alex was driving home after the longest day at work where he had to deal with fucking idiots, when Liz called him. He frowned; it was after 11pm, way too late to be just a social call. He thumbed the button to answer the call on the Bluetooth.

\- Liz?

\- Eh Alex, where are you?

\- About 5min from my place, what’s going on?

Liz sighed, and her voice was cautious when she asked:

\- You wouldn’t know where Michael is by any chance?

Alex hadn’t spoken to Guerin since that very awkward conversation at the Crashdown a month ago.

\- I think you’re not asking the right person, Liz.

\- I already talked to Maria, Michael didn’t go to see her. Listen Alex, something happened tonight, with Michael. We tried something new to help Max and it… I don’t know… It backfired or something. When Michael left, he wasn’t in his right mind, I’m worried something might have happened to him. Isobel can’t contact him.

Alex gritted his teeth. Before he could say anything, Liz continued.

\- Beside, Michael has broken up with Maria barely two weeks after they’ve started, I thought you knew.

Alex didn’t have the time to process the information, he was getting close to his cabin and there was a truck parked in front of it; a very familiar one.

\- Michael is here, at least his truck is. I’ll call you back.

He cut the call without waiting for her answer and parked next to Michael’s old Chevy. There didn’t seem to be anybody inside. Alex carefully got out of his SUV. He was tired, his leg and back were killing him, and going down on his ass wouldn’t help the situation. He limped towards the truck to make sure Michael really wasn’t near it and got to his door. It was locked. There was still the possibility that Michael had locked back the door behind him if he had gotten inside but Alex doubted it. He made his way to his backyard and stopped around the corner of the cabin. Michael was in the middle of his lawn, head tilted back, looking at the stars. The cold had settled after the sun went down, and Alex had no idea how long the alien had been standing here. He weighed his options. Liz had said that something had happened to Michael. Even if Alex was sure he would never hurt him, he decided to proceed with caution and said:

\- Guerin? 

No answer. He tried again.

\- Guerin? What are you doing here? Is everything ok?

Still no answer, it was like the other man couldn’t hear him. Alex walked to him, his limp getting heavier with each step on the uneven lawn. He stopped next to Michael and looked at him. His eyes were closed and it seemed like he was barely breathing.

\- Guerin?

_ ‘’You’re hurting.’’ _

Alex nearly jumped when he heard Michael’s voice in his head.

\- What the fuck, Guerin? 

Michael hadn’t moved and Alex shivered. He looked like he was in a sort of trance. He wasn’t sure he liked the invasion of his mind though. He put a tentative hand on the alien’s arm.

\- Guerin?

The touch seemed to shake Michael off whatever funk he was in. He slowly opened his eyes, and stared directly into Alex’s.

\- You’re hurting.

\- Well, yeah… It’s been a long day. What are you doing here, Guerin? And what’s with the mind talking?

Alex was seriously confused and a little freaked out. Michael hadn’t stopped watching him but he had said nothing more. So when he took a step towards Alex, the soldier flinched. Michael sighed and reached for his hand.

\- I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll help, if you let me.

\- What are you talking about, Guerin? Are you ok?

Michael nodded, palm still up, waiting for Alex to give him his hand.

\- He showed me.

\- Who showed you what?

Alex was getting more confused by the second. Michael was freaking him out. He never heard him talk like that, so softly it was like he was whispering.

\- Max. He showed me… Everything…

His eyes welled up with tears. He looked like he was waking up a little. He smiled at Alex, a beaming one that the soldier hadn’t seen in years.

\- He showed me where we came from, all the memories that getting out of the pods erased. Max remembers everything. I have no idea how it happened but tonight, when I reached for him inside the pod, it created a connection of some sort. It was intense, Alex. It was… I don’t even have the words… I… I… You’re hurting.

Alex was getting frustrated.

\- Yeah, you’ve said that before.

Michael nodded.

\- Then give me your hand.

\- What are you going to do?

\- Help you, if you’re willing to trust me.

Alex trusted Michael with his life, he had no doubt on that, but he was also pissed off at him and still deeply hurt that he had chosen to move on with his best friend – though Michael wasn’t the only one to blame. He was also tired, and a little curious, so he decided to give it a try and put his hand in the alien’s. Michael closed his eyes and Alex felt a warm feeling coming up from his hand. The pain in his back lessened considerably, along the ones in his hip and stump. He was about to take a step back and thank Michael but the alien grasped his hand tightly and light exploded behind Alex’s eyelids. He saw everything. Michael as a child, some of his foster homes’ memories, the love he had for his siblings, and the immeasurable one he had for Alex. He saw himself through Michael’s eyes, as a teen with his eyeliner and piercings, and as an adult, in his uniform and casually dressed. No matter the years that had passed, he could feel that Michael loved him just as much now than he did 10 years ago. Alex was also able to sense the hurt he had inflicted him. He knew that, when he left for the Airforce, he had hurt Michael, but feeling it just like the other man had felt it was nearly breathtaking. He saw them in Caulfield, he experienced Michael’s agonizing pain when he had decided to follow him outside and leave his mother behind. He understood then. Michael had chosen him. If Alex hadn’t been there, Michael would have died with his mom. Alex saw the days following the explosion, how Michael didn’t know what to do with himself. How he wanted to reach for Alex but he was afraid of getting hurt again. Alex knew the blame for their failing relationship was at least half on him, but experiencing it through Michael’s eyes made him want to cry. Michael had thought he wasn’t worthy of him. Alex wanted to scream that Michael was the only thing that made his life worth living but he couldn’t. It seemed that the connection was only working one way. He also saw Maria. He understood why Michael went to her. She was the easy way out. He could feel the guilt though. Michael was feeling guilty because he wasn’t in love with her and he felt like he was using her. Alex wanted to beg him to be with him instead of her. It was getting hard to breath, his mind was ready to explode. Why couldn’t Michael see that being away from him broke his heart? That he hadn’t been ready, that he hadn’t been brave enough to fight for him then, but that he was willing to do so now?

\- Alex? Alex, come on… Come back to me, darlin’…

Michael’s soft voice finally reached Alex’s mind and he opened his eyes. He was lying on the ground and he was freezing. Michael’s hands were on his cheeks, stroking gently.

\- You’re ok there, Private?

Alex sat and nodded.

\- Yeah, I’m freezing my ass off though.

Michael chuckled and helped him get up. Alex was relieved to see that the alien seemed to be back to his usual self but he needed answers.

\- What the fuck just happened?

Michael shrugged.

\- Well, I just wanted to take your pain away but it seemed that it connected us. Something similar to what happened between Max and me, I guess…

Alex shivered and Michael glanced to the cabin. 

\- Let’s get you inside. We can talk some more once you’ve warmed up, if you want.

Alex nodded and let himself be led to his door. He grabbed his keys to open it but Michael had already done so with his mind. He gave him a sheepish smile but Alex didn’t really care how his door was unlocked as long as it meant getting inside the warmth of the cabin.

_ So I don't know why I'm tongue tied _ _  
_ _ At the wrong time when I need this _

Alex sat on his couch, prosthetic off, his favorite plaid wrapped around him, as Michael brought two mugs of hot tea from the kitchen. He carefully put them on the coffee table and sat next to Alex. He grabbed another blanket and put it on their legs. Michael arched an eyebrow and asked:

\- How many blankets do you have on your couch?

Alex smiled.

\- Not enough. It tends to get pretty chilly around here, you know.

Michael grunted.

\- That’s because your windows are shit, you have drafts on at least three of them. And that’s just in the main area, I haven’t checked your bedroom…

Michael realized what he just said and backpedaled as quickly as he could.

\- I mean… not that I want to see your bedroom… I mean… I do… But not if you don’t want to… I… Fuck…

Alex sipped his tea, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He was getting warm and kinda sleepy, he decided to stop the alien’s freak out.

\- It’s alright, I know what you mean, Guerin, don’t worry.

Michael sighed.

\- Good. Fuck, I’m tired. It’s like my brain had been working on overdrive all day and now, I haven’t got enough brain cells left to deal correctly with that…

He gestured between Alex and him. Alex recoiled a little and Michael quickly added:

\- No, Alex… I’m sorry… Fuck… I didn’t mean to… I’m so glad you’re here.

Alex frowned.

\- Well, it’s my house, Guerin, where would I be?

Michael put his hands through his curls and tugged, frustrated.

\- I mean… I don’t know. I have no fucking idea what’s going on. That Max thing, it blew my mind and then, it happened with you and I’m kinda afraid that it’ll happen again because it’s fucking screwing with my head and I don’t know what to do and I’m so so sorry, for everything and… 

Alex put his mug on the table and moved to face Michael, gently grabbing his hands in order to save the curls. He loved those curls.

\- Michael, stop it, you’re going to hurt yourself.

The alien stared at him, surprised. Not only had Alex willingly touched him but he had called him by his first name. He looked down at their hands and back up at Alex.

\- I’m really really sorry, Alex. I never meant to hurt you.

\- I know. I saw everything. That mind sharing thing… Wow…

Michael snorted.

\- Yeah, wow. I kinda wished it were working both ways though… I have no idea what you’re thinking, and you know everything.

Alex cringed.

\- Yeah, a lot more that I wished I’d knew… I didn’t need to see that much of Maria.

Michael let go of Alex’s hands and buried his face in his. 

\- Oh fuck… 

The airman chuckled.

\- It’s ok, Guerin, don’t worry. I knew you weren’t playing chess with her.

\- Yeah, but still…

Alex shrugged and yawned.

\- Ok, you know what, I’m beat. Why don’t we continue that very awkward conversation in the morning? You can sleep in the guestroom if you don’t want to drive home.

Alex showed one of the cabin’s doors and Michael nodded.

\- Yeah, thanks. I wouldn’t trust my driving right now.

Alex actually laughed at that.

\- Guerin, I wouldn’t trust your driving, ever...

\- Oh come on…

\- Text Liz and your sister though, they’re worried about you. 

\- Yeah ok… Thanks Alex.

\- Goodnight, Guerin.

\- Night, Alex.

Michael watched as the soldier went to grab a bottle of water from the fridge and disappeared behind one of the doors before getting up and into the guestroom. He fell on the bed and was asleep before his head touched the pillow. 

_ You're holding my heart, mmm, what you say? _ _  
_ _ Just let me down slowly, I'll be OK _

Michael startled awake, switched the lights on with his power and looked around. It took him ten seconds to remember where he was and notice what had woke him up: noises were coming from Alex’s room. It was Alex’s voice, and he didn’t sound pleased. Michael frowned and hesitated. He wanted to go check on him, but he would probably get his ass handed over to him. When the screams started, he stopped thinking, rushed to Alex’s room and slammed the door open. Alex was yelling his head off, alternating between full on terrified screams, pleading “please don’t” and whimpers that broke Michael’s heart.

\- Alex?

Michael didn’t know what to do exactly. He knew that waking a soldier from a nightmare could be tricky, and that there was a good chance he’ll get hit in the process, but he couldn’t leave Alex like that. He went near the bed, calling Alex’s name a little louder each time. 

\- Alex, darlin’, come on… You’re ok.. You’re safe…

The alien went to sit on the other side of the bed, sliding closer to Alex and putting a tentative hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him.

\- Alex? 

Alex woke up suddenly, eyes wide, arms flailing. The only thing that kept him from face planting on the ground was Michael, who grabbed him around the waist and managed to dodge an elbow once, but not twice. A crack filled the room and Michael bit his lip to keep from shouting. Tears formed in his eyes and he released his hold on Alex to touch his nose. The movement seemed to bring Alex back to the land of awareness.

\- Mi-Michael? 

\- Yeaaaahhh… Hi….

Alex frowned and his mind finally clicked when he noticed the blood pouring from Michael’s nose.

\- Oh fuck, Guerin, I’m so sorry!

He grabbed tissues from the night stand and give them to the alien.

\- It’s ok… I don’t think it’s broken.

Alex was staring at him with big horrified eyes and Michael reached for him.

\- Eh, it’s ok, really… I knew what I was risking waking you up.

Alex shivered.

\- Alex, come on…

The soldier shook his head and cowered as far away from Michael as he could.

\- I can’t, Michael…

The alien sighed, took of the tissues from his nose and noticed that it already had stopped bleeding, and decided that enough was enough. He couldn’t take it anymore. He slowly got closer to Alex and gently put a hand on his arm.

\- You seemed really scared, I couldn’t leave you like that.

Alex shrugged.

\- Not the first time, won’t be the last…

\- What happen when you wake up, usually?

The Airman sighed, knowing he wouldn’t get out of that talk.

\- Usually? I’m on the floor, hurting. That’s a nice change to not be the one who hurts.

Michael smiled.

\- I would say it’s my pleasure but ouch!

Alex cringed.

\- I’m really sorry.

\- That’s ok…

Michael sighed and asked.

\- Can I hold you?

Alex considered it for a while before nodding. Michael roared internally. He carefully got closer to Alex and held his arms open. The airman rolled his eyes but settled against his chest. Alex sighed when Michael started to stroke his hair and dropped a kiss on his forehead.

\- Thank you, Alex.

\- For what?

\- Trusting me… Despite everything.

Alex looked up to him and moved a little closer.

\- I’ve always trusted you, Guerin.

When Alex kissed him, Michael nearly cried in relief. He returned the kiss but didn’t deepen it. They had a long road ahead of them and now wasn’t the time to take it. Alex settled back in his arms and Michael held him close until he was sure the airman was asleep. Only then did he allow himself to fall back asleep, a soft smile on his lips. 


End file.
